“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
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my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments