*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”