triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
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“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
when someone rings the doorbell
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)