I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
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My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….