As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
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Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I鈥檇 be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin鈥檚 first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
We鈥檙e lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room馃槒
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Damn even I didn鈥檛 expect him to lift up the pizza lol
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it鈥檚 just nice to finally be appreciated
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
glad to see they鈥檙e taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
*mops up wine with cat*
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*