A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.