[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
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If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Note to self: I am a note
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it