My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
You Might Also Like
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.