*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
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I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
i meant to share this earlier
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.