Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
You Might Also Like
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
And now we wait
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.