My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I feel like one of these would kill a European
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.