You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
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[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Doormats are a gateway rug.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.