I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
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Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl