Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
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People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.