5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
car not found
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish