Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!