These are too funny not to post 😂
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Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.