Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
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Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Greeting humans vs their dogs
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh