Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
You Might Also Like
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?