My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever