My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
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You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
real
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO