“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
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I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal