bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Finally, a door that understands me
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Pandas 🐼🖤
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.