*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Guilty! 🤪
The absolute effort that went into this omg
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?