I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now