What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
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[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird