If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
when dads have a rap battle
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
*bites zombie*
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.