I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.