me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
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MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.