We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.