before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
cat faces on other animals, a thread
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.