In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?