Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
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(Electricians.)
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”