Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.