God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no