[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
You Might Also Like
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.