How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
It’s a gift
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?