Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
And that about sums it up.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices