asking santa clause for nudes
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Seems legit
I drew y’all a little something.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.