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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway