The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Meowchelangelo
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine