me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted