*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich