Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
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Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My work here is don’t.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend