And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
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Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
How software testing works
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
This is me
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say