Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
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dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Still a very good boi….
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.