Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
You Might Also Like
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..