Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
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Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Practicing safe sax
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Life with a cat in one tweet
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.