If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
You Might Also Like
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.