Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore